In My Thoughts

Falling for someone you can't have is frustrating.  But, falling for someone you're not even sure you want is even more frustrating.  Not making much sense? Let me try to explain from a woman's perspective, mine. I'm not sure if this happens mostly to women or men, but either way, it's heart wrenching.  When I was young, sixteen years old, I thought I was in love, what did I know.  It was my first relationship, and he was almost ten years my senior. I abandoned all things "teenager" and he became my world.  12 years later we got married, life goes on, things go bad and next thing I know, I'm 45 and getting a divorce.  Twenty-eight years of my life was spent with one man, so when the time came to explore my options with other men, I was terrified. What kind of man do I want? I've never been faced with this kind of question because it was not something I thought about for twenty-eight years. I knew that I wanted a man that would be capable of...

A heart full of so much passion that it yearns to be freed A heart that won't be silenced and won't be swayed A heart that falls in love ever so easily that it pains A heart so free and honest it can be seen, Dangling on a sleeve of its owner                                                                                *Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve*

Something is always the worst;  yes, they always are. When we're going through adversities, we always think, "This couldn't get any worse", then it does. But, it's never to our detriment, because we always survive the worse. Two weeks ago, I could not imagine taking the path that I'm on right now. But here I am, on the path that I did not want to be on. I hate this path, but I refuse to let it defeat me, it's not an unfamiliar path; I just don't like being on this path. It squanders my time, of which I can never retrieve. I see the end in the near distance, but seems like eternity. My soul is ill; my body is ill; my mind is clouded, For I am overloaded with life's burdens that I must overcome. How do I overcome this burden that won't be rerouted? I will not overcome it by fighting it. I will only overcome it, by surrendering to it. Then, and only then, will it let go of its grip, that's when darkness turns to light.

Sorry those who came before you destroyed my heart. Sorry you can't give me what I deserve, because I was betrayed by those who came before you. Sorry I'll never experience your sweet love, because those who came before you has blinded me. Still, you can't stop the love and respect you carry and hide from me, you don't know I know. I think I'm about to lose you to the winds of change. I'm panicking. Please stay, don't give up on us. What us? There is no us, I have ensured that. When I told you I cannot give you all of me, because of those who came before you. But now, now I fear losing you, to the winds of change. Memories of our unforgettable nights together are debilitating. I think about someone else in my place but can't finish the thought. The idea of someone else in my place keeps me up at night, but I can't claim you. I am about to lose you; to the winds of change. Will you stay if I asked you to? Will you stay if I said I lo...

"How are you doing, sis?"  "I'm great, sis." For a very long time I've been lying to myself and anyone who cared enough to ask me how I'm doing. The truth is, no, I'm not doing great, I'm barely living. But, I'm great health-wise. In a matter of 9 months, I went from a cholesterol level of 302 down to 162, my blood pressure used to be at 150/90, now it's at 126/78, all my blood work from March of this year was at dangerous levels. My doctor commended me and said she was very impressed with the improvement I'd made with my health. I improved my health through hard work. I jogged for one hour every morning, gave up junk food, stopped eating fried foods, and stopped eating red meat, I never weighed myself, because I wasn't doing it to lose weight, I was doing it to save my life. I used to weigh 150 lbs, now I weigh 139 lbs. Most days I only ate once a day because I was overwhelmed and anxiety ridden, oh yeah, a...

Still waiting for the kind of Christmas holiday that has eluded me my entire adulthood The kind of Christmas that is free of poverty-like humdrum The kind of Christmas that puts a smile on everyone’s face Not the kind that puts despair in our hearts and faces The kind that I picture on television shows Where a family sits in the living room being thankful Drinking eggnog and eating cookies Telling jokes and laughing together Exchanging gifts and being together Being free to say whatever is on your mind without fear of criticism I haven’t given up the idea of having such a Christmas As long as I’m alive, the hope will continue.

Paradise Aflame-(California wildfire Nov. 2018) Flames of Paradise don’t leave us homeless Flames of destruction don’t leave us hopeless Bring us mercy, for we’re boundless Rebuilding we will, but forgetting we won’t Fleeing your destructive path without looking back Catching aflame will be our end like Gomorrah to salt Burning our sins is like a violent assault We escape to only return to ashes and debris Many are lost to naked eyes; fearing possible consumption, by the flames of paradise Those without hope choose to go down with their homes Like a captain chooses to go down with his ship Material possession or life possession, can we exist without the other? Many were set ablaze, sacrificed to the flames of death With its hunger satisfied, the blaze of death calms itself It burns weaker, preparing to sleep on a full belly The blaze subsides; allowing itself to be overtaken We base our worth on the frivolous materials we accu...