In My Thoughts

Mine is a beautiful shell A shell so beautiful I was shackled And enslaved for it Mine is a beautiful shell A shell so beautiful I'm made to feel shameful of it A shell so beautiful I was considered property Shell too beautiful to be real Mine is so beautiful others try to recreate it This skin tone has caused many deaths This skin tone has caused many oppressions This skin tone is admired This skin tone is coveted This skin tone commands power That is why, this skin tone is hated Because it is forever feared.

I saw it coming, so I was okay with it, when it happened.   Have you ever been so overwhelmed with maintaining a lifestyle that, when that burden is taken away, you feel very relieved?  Yes, I know the feeling too. The past 6 months, I've been stressing with my vehicle, which wasn't even my vehicle to begin with.  Check engine light that would have cost me $1800 to fix, if I was going to pass smog check.  Insurance that I could not afford, and a DMV fine that I could not afford to pay in order to lift registration suspension for my son. So, let me explain... In June of 2019, I took over my son's vehicle payments as well as upkeep of the vehicle while he was out of the country. He's going to be gone for 2 years(Peace Corps Mission).  We were not sure what to do with his vehicle since he was still making payments on it, and since I had just returned to Vegas and wanted to buy a car, he and I agreed to let me assume payments and drive it as if it were ...

Falling for someone you can't have is frustrating.  But, falling for someone you're not even sure you want is even more frustrating.  Not making much sense? Let me try to explain from a woman's perspective, mine. I'm not sure if this happens mostly to women or men, but either way, it's heart wrenching.  When I was young, sixteen years old, I thought I was in love, what did I know.  It was my first relationship, and he was almost ten years my senior. I abandoned all things "teenager" and he became my world.  12 years later we got married, life goes on, things go bad and next thing I know, I'm 45 and getting a divorce.  Twenty-eight years of my life was spent with one man, so when the time came to explore my options with other men, I was terrified. What kind of man do I want? I've never been faced with this kind of question because it was not something I thought about for twenty-eight years. I knew that I wanted a man that would be capable of...

A heart full of so much passion that it yearns to be freed A heart that won't be silenced and won't be swayed A heart that falls in love ever so easily that it pains A heart so free and honest it can be seen, Dangling on a sleeve of its owner                                                                                *Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve*

Something is always the worst;  yes, they always are. When we're going through adversities, we always think, "This couldn't get any worse", then it does. But, it's never to our detriment, because we always survive the worse. Two weeks ago, I could not imagine taking the path that I'm on right now. But here I am, on the path that I did not want to be on. I hate this path, but I refuse to let it defeat me, it's not an unfamiliar path; I just don't like being on this path. It squanders my time, of which I can never retrieve. I see the end in the near distance, but seems like eternity. My soul is ill; my body is ill; my mind is clouded, For I am overloaded with life's burdens that I must overcome. How do I overcome this burden that won't be rerouted? I will not overcome it by fighting it. I will only overcome it, by surrendering to it. Then, and only then, will it let go of its grip, that's when darkness turns to light.

Sorry those who came before you destroyed my heart. Sorry you can't give me what I deserve, because I was betrayed by those who came before you. Sorry I'll never experience your sweet love, because those who came before you has blinded me. Still, you can't stop the love and respect you carry and hide from me, you don't know I know. I think I'm about to lose you to the winds of change. I'm panicking. Please stay, don't give up on us. What us? There is no us, I have ensured that. When I told you I cannot give you all of me, because of those who came before you. But now, now I fear losing you, to the winds of change. Memories of our unforgettable nights together are debilitating. I think about someone else in my place but can't finish the thought. The idea of someone else in my place keeps me up at night, but I can't claim you. I am about to lose you; to the winds of change. Will you stay if I asked you to? Will you stay if I said I lo...

"How are you doing, sis?"  "I'm great, sis." For a very long time I've been lying to myself and anyone who cared enough to ask me how I'm doing. The truth is, no, I'm not doing great, I'm barely living. But, I'm great health-wise. In a matter of 9 months, I went from a cholesterol level of 302 down to 162, my blood pressure used to be at 150/90, now it's at 126/78, all my blood work from March of this year was at dangerous levels. My doctor commended me and said she was very impressed with the improvement I'd made with my health. I improved my health through hard work. I jogged for one hour every morning, gave up junk food, stopped eating fried foods, and stopped eating red meat, I never weighed myself, because I wasn't doing it to lose weight, I was doing it to save my life. I used to weigh 150 lbs, now I weigh 139 lbs. Most days I only ate once a day because I was overwhelmed and anxiety ridden, oh yeah, a...

Still waiting for the kind of Christmas holiday that has eluded me my entire adulthood The kind of Christmas that is free of poverty-like humdrum The kind of Christmas that puts a smile on everyone’s face Not the kind that puts despair in our hearts and faces The kind that I picture on television shows Where a family sits in the living room being thankful Drinking eggnog and eating cookies Telling jokes and laughing together Exchanging gifts and being together Being free to say whatever is on your mind without fear of criticism I haven’t given up the idea of having such a Christmas As long as I’m alive, the hope will continue.

Paradise Aflame-(California wildfire Nov. 2018) Flames of Paradise don’t leave us homeless Flames of destruction don’t leave us hopeless Bring us mercy, for we’re boundless Rebuilding we will, but forgetting we won’t Fleeing your destructive path without looking back Catching aflame will be our end like Gomorrah to salt Burning our sins is like a violent assault We escape to only return to ashes and debris Many are lost to naked eyes; fearing possible consumption, by the flames of paradise Those without hope choose to go down with their homes Like a captain chooses to go down with his ship Material possession or life possession, can we exist without the other? Many were set ablaze, sacrificed to the flames of death With its hunger satisfied, the blaze of death calms itself It burns weaker, preparing to sleep on a full belly The blaze subsides; allowing itself to be overtaken We base our worth on the frivolous materials we accu...

Child Bride I was spared when you were sacrificed. A lifetime of suffering but you defied. What you don’t know won’t hurt you but they lied. I was grateful for your confidence when you shared. You were bridaled against your will out of fears. My defiance saved me a lifetime of tears. Your safety and protection were betrayed. By the ones you trusted to obey. Your gift of virginity was preyed upon. Your innocence and purity was strung along. With the promise of eternal life in the great beyond. But experience and life would prove the improbable. When your soul couldn’t deal you contemplated leaving this world But, an Angel was bestowed, to spare your soul. You were later blessed with more angels, to love you loud For every day on this Earth ensures your legacy.

The blinding rage filled her skull as she drove home Confused; not understanding where the feeling was coming from What are these feelings? she wonders In her mind’s eye, she sees tragedy come upon her child She blames him for this tragedy! She has lost her child to death She blames him for he is a malicious man His anger towards her absence is clouding his judgment, as he lashes out at her o’er and o’er, without provocation A Narcissist!  A psychopath! A sociopath!  Yes, he embodies all. She imagines him standing at the podium, watching her child in the coffin Walking towards him, eyes red with anger and rage that has driven her mad She handles the heavy wooden chair, drags it beside her as she strolls by family mourners Before anyone realizes what is about to unfold in their midst She swings the wooden chair with all the might in her Landing in his head with intent to do permanent damage, whatever that looks  like The chair collides...

The power of evoking interest in her has awoken him to the point of sleeplessness. He desires her presence, but his astraddle behavior keeps him at a distance. He communicates his needs and frustration to be with her. She feels the frustration of his indecisiveness; she craves for him to come to her. “ What keeps him from me? ” She wonders. She : “Do you ever finish what you start? Especially, with me? You won’t let me go, but something is keeping you from fully engaging me .” . He : “I need to see you, I just don’t know what’s wrong. ” She: “ Let me know when you do know what’s wrong ”. He : “ Not seeing you, is what’s wrong .”   She : “ Maybe I’m wrong for you. I don’t know.  Your attraction to me may not be strong enough to do what you need to do .”   . He : “My attraction to you is too strong.” She: “Then you have a decision to make.” She knows of the reasons why he is apprehensive. He is unhappily committed to another,...

Like Switzerland, she remains in the middle Like Switzerland, she is torn between her two worlds Like Switzerland, there are no sides to take She fits not in either world, for nothing feels right. She’s without a country to call her own The longer she remains in one world The more she forgets the other; not fluent in either tongue Her allegiance to both worlds equals But she truly belongs to only one; which one? Her birth country is but a memory, Her adoptive country is but a burden, full of hate and fear of the different She yearns to return to the land of her people, but she has ties that bind She feels the air of home swirling around her She hears the sounds of locals as their lives intertwine She tastes the foods she loved as a young girl For now she waits, for a ripe time to return home, for without her mother And father among the living, she feels not a connection to her homeland She desperately wants to turn back time, but she can’t ...