In My Thoughts

SABOTAGE Purposely ruining your reputation, achievements or success. Examples can be making you miss work, school or practice, keeping you from getting school work done, talking about you behind your back or starting rumors, and threatening to share private information about you. Do you think I experienced this while I was married?  If you guessed "yes", you're right.  It was very embarrassing.  The sabotage was always sent in an email, to my bosses, which would cause me to lose my job, and I could never understand what the heck I did to get fired. But it all came to light after I left.  I saw the emails to my bosses, my friends that were no longer my friends because they'd been alienated from me, my co-workers, etc.  He hacked into my phone or phone book depending on which era it was, for this had been going on for at least a decade. Private discussions that husband and wife usually engage in at the end of the day, while in bed.  My com...

"JEALOUSY An emotion that everyone experiences, jealousy becomes unhealthy when someone lashes out or tries to control you because of it. Examples can be getting upset when you text or hang out with people your partner feels threatened by, accusing you of flirting or cheating , being possessive over you or even going so far as to stalk you ." ----Behind the Post, (n.d.) retrieved 7/29/18 Jealousy is not something that should exist in a marriage or relationship.  But, guess what? It does exist in relationships/marriages, and I experienced every one of those words above in my "relationship/marriage". As a couple, you should embrace and encourage your partner's accomplishments, not be resentful and sabotage their every effort to improve themselves; after all, aren't you benefiting from that same accomplishments?  I believe so. So instead of biting off the hand that feeds you, why not help those hands feed you? As a victim, you may feel that as lo...

The hardest thing as a mother, is to feel like you've abandoned your children, that you chose your sanity over their happiness.  That you chose to save yourself and not them. One thing that I learned in therapy is that, I have to believe that my children understand what I did, they will appreciate and respect me for having the courage to get out of a situation that was not healthy for me, a situation that was making them unhappy, a situation that made the household environment unbearable.  As a mother of both genders, it was important to let my sons know that this is not how women are supposed to be treated, that if you mistreat your woman she will leave, they have to understand that it's wrong to mistreat a woman, just as it's wrong for a woman to mistreat a man.  It was also important that my daughter not see me endure such pain, that women are treasures that must be protected and cherished. She needs to know that she has a right to be in a happy relationship...

Mmmmm, that looks good. So, yesterday I was feeling some kind of way and I could not concentrate, or even get out and do things like go to the beach, as I wanted to do.  Instead I finished a book . I accomplished 3 big things yesterday: I took my car to Auto Zone for a reading, engine gauge goes in the red, but it cools itself as I'm driving.  They found nothing; finished reading the above book; and I did a load of laundry. Anyway, as the day went on, I started getting very emotional, unable to concentrate or complete a single thought.  Years ago, I criticized someone for not being able to live inside their own heads.  This person had just ended a relationship, and they were doing everything to keep themselves busy just so they wouldn't think about the situation they were in.  The hurt, the loss, the fear, the uncertainty...the list can go on forever.  Now that I'm in the same situation, I have an understanding of what this person was going throu...

Good Morning you wonderful souls! I can't stress enough how important it is to continue moving forward even when your legs refuse to hold you and support you up. It's those times when the unexpected happens.  The unexpected happens when you decide to not worry about it anymore, instead, focus on something else.  On your journey to self discovery and self healing, there will be bumps, don't let those bumps slow you down longer that a fraction of a second, if you do, you will continue to slow down, eventually to a stop.  You absolutely do not want this to happen. Lately, I've been in the dumps a bit, not too much.  Worrying about bills, fighting to get back in the classroom and start teaching again, worrying about the kids and their well being, just the usual stuff.  Realizing that I wasn't doing anyone any good, I decided to let go of those worries and take care of my mental health.  I reached out to a professional to help me cope, to help me c...

We all have our reasons for wanting to accept responsibility for things that happen to us or things that we do.  It is said that, we don't take responsibility for the other person, that we have to take responsibility for our own peace of mind.  When we understand that we put ourselves in certain situations and things go wrong, we're to blame or rather, we should accept the consequences. For me, accepting the consequences of my actions is not a big thing.  Yes, I was in a relationship, I was part of a unit, therefore whatever happened within that unit was my responsibility.  People do desperate things when their backs are against the wall, and such was my life.  Fear of leaving the known for the unknown is very crippling mentally.  No matter how many love ones tell you "you can do this", and you know you can do this, so why aren't you doing this?  FEAR! Throughout my marriage, I became familiar with fear of being left behind, and fear of leaving the...

I started this blog because I'm hoping to help others (men and women) heal after going through something like what I went through and still going through.  So others can avoid going through what I'm going through.  This Blog will not be about bashing anyone. It will be about my life as I lived it, my mistakes, my regrets, my sorrow, my self esteem, and feeling beat down. To save myself and my children, I had to leave a bad marriage.  I left because my children were suffering, and I was suffering.  In order to stop all our suffering, I had to remove myself from the equation while salvaging my career at the same time. It's been a year, within that year, I managed to get a divorce, go in an insurmountable debt, embarrassed myself, got embarrassed, found freedom, been miserable, been happy (for a short time), been cursed at by the other side, been begged to return home and I'll be treated like a queen, told that I won't have to work for the rest of my life if I retu...

My baby boy, he's 18 but I still see him as my baby who needs my help in becoming a grown up.  It hurts me when he thinks that my encouragement and push is my way of saying that he's not trying hard enough, or not putting in the effort that he should.  As someone looking in from the outside, I feel like he could be doing more to find a job.  He sits on his phone, claiming to be applying for work but nothing ever pans out. He does not want to go to school so I told him that he needs to find a job.  He's young with next to nothing experience. However, it seems like my efforts to motivate him (something he does not have), it comes out as lack of trust and belief.  This boy gets excited about nothing, it's like he's permanently depressed.  Then again, after what he's been through, it wouldn't be a surprise. I just want him to find his place in the world. Today I took him to Workforce for orientation.  He's suppose to get guidance, referrals and resou...

#GoodMorning I'm always grateful to wake up every morning, ready for new beginnings.  Oh my gosh, triple digits today in temperature.  I'll only drive until 12 today, then come home and sit in my air conditionless (yeah it's a word or not) apartment. This morning I woke up, still unsure about life, but eager to go out there and make a difference and not waste my day.  Ever since I moved to my own place, I've run out of money so I've been driving Lyft to pay for little bills, not rent.  I have to build up again. Riders ask me often if I like driving Lyft.  My answer is always, no.  I do it because I need to. That's the truth.  That does not mean I drive angry and rude, not at all.  In fact I have a 4.8 out of 5.0 rating. So with that said, I have to go do my morning drive. I've actually had to rent out one of my bedrooms out, since it's not being used.  Renting out bedrooms is actually a big thing here in California.  People can't...

#Don't Be Afraid... Starting anew is never easy. I go through my days worrying, afraid, doubting myself, feeling alone, telling myself to stop thinking negative and push through it. "Rome wasn't built in a day", I tell myself. Next thing I know, it's the day after, and I relive it all again.