We all have our reasons for wanting to accept responsibility for things that happen to us or things that we do. It is said that, we don't take responsibility for the other person, that we have to take responsibility for our own peace of mind. When we understand that we put ourselves in certain situations and things go wrong, we're to blame or rather, we should accept the consequences.
For me, accepting the consequences of my actions is not a big thing. Yes, I was in a relationship, I was part of a unit, therefore whatever happened within that unit was my responsibility. People do desperate things when their backs are against the wall, and such was my life. Fear of leaving the known for the unknown is very crippling mentally. No matter how many love ones tell you "you can do this", and you know you can do this, so why aren't you doing this? FEAR!
Throughout my marriage, I became familiar with fear of being left behind, and fear of leaving the known for the unknown. Fear of being left behind was not my fear. It was someone else's fear. My education, my career, and the pace at which I was progressing caused fear within someone. The only way they could stop me was to sabotage my efforts as a professional. The secret emails to my bosses, with questions about my duties as an employee and whether or not I'm allowed to use company vehicle at will; insinuating to my bosses that I may be using company vehicle to search for work; using company vehicle to have affairs; electronically stalking me; constantly questioning me about my whereabouts; not wanting to come home after work because you feel like an outsider in your own home. The same home that you work three jobs to maintain, while he sits around doing nothing, losing job after job. The other fear, which belonged to me was "fear of the unknown". Deep down I knew I needed to leave, but I wasn't sure if I had a good enough reason to leave. Being told that African Americans have a high rate of children without fathers in the home or both parents in the home is a bad sign for my children, didn't help, which I took to mean that, I had to protect my kids at all costs. Yes, it cost me a lot. But, when I looked at my children, they were not benefiting from having a father in the home. Having a father did not improve anything in their lives. Father almost never had a job, father did not spend any quality time with them, barking orders at children is not being a father, that's just bullying.
So, my fear of the unknown, crippled me to my core. Where would I go if I were to leave? I thought about it constantly. What about money? What about work? How would I care for the kids should I leave? This went on for years. No one can tell you when to leave a situation, but rest assured, you'll know when it's time. My time came to leave, when he lied to law enforcement about me being violent towards him, which got me detained, and while detained, he emptied my bank account. Yeah, this was my exit moment. What's yours going to be? It's one thing for someone to tell you, "get out" but don't offer any kind of help/support to you. Those words of advice become meaningless in your ears. They may think they're helping, but in actuality, they're not. If you're going to advice someone to leave a situation that they've known most of their lives, you have to offer more than just words. You need to hold out your hand, wait for them to grab your hands, then pull them out. This means, offering them a place to go to, a safe haven where they can't be reached by those harming or wanting to harm them.
You can't control what other people do to you. You can accept their mistreatment of you for so long, then you have to react. No matter how beat down you feel, you have to fight...you may lose every time, just don't stop fighting. And please, don't fight for stupid things. There are things worth fighting for, and there are things that are not worth fighting for. You know the difference. Don't keep going back and forth with the next party over stupid stuff, that's just a way for them to keep controlling you. Once you stop responding to them, cutting them out of your daily life, you get peace of mind.
For me, accepting the consequences of my actions is not a big thing. Yes, I was in a relationship, I was part of a unit, therefore whatever happened within that unit was my responsibility. People do desperate things when their backs are against the wall, and such was my life. Fear of leaving the known for the unknown is very crippling mentally. No matter how many love ones tell you "you can do this", and you know you can do this, so why aren't you doing this? FEAR!
Throughout my marriage, I became familiar with fear of being left behind, and fear of leaving the known for the unknown. Fear of being left behind was not my fear. It was someone else's fear. My education, my career, and the pace at which I was progressing caused fear within someone. The only way they could stop me was to sabotage my efforts as a professional. The secret emails to my bosses, with questions about my duties as an employee and whether or not I'm allowed to use company vehicle at will; insinuating to my bosses that I may be using company vehicle to search for work; using company vehicle to have affairs; electronically stalking me; constantly questioning me about my whereabouts; not wanting to come home after work because you feel like an outsider in your own home. The same home that you work three jobs to maintain, while he sits around doing nothing, losing job after job. The other fear, which belonged to me was "fear of the unknown". Deep down I knew I needed to leave, but I wasn't sure if I had a good enough reason to leave. Being told that African Americans have a high rate of children without fathers in the home or both parents in the home is a bad sign for my children, didn't help, which I took to mean that, I had to protect my kids at all costs. Yes, it cost me a lot. But, when I looked at my children, they were not benefiting from having a father in the home. Having a father did not improve anything in their lives. Father almost never had a job, father did not spend any quality time with them, barking orders at children is not being a father, that's just bullying.
So, my fear of the unknown, crippled me to my core. Where would I go if I were to leave? I thought about it constantly. What about money? What about work? How would I care for the kids should I leave? This went on for years. No one can tell you when to leave a situation, but rest assured, you'll know when it's time. My time came to leave, when he lied to law enforcement about me being violent towards him, which got me detained, and while detained, he emptied my bank account. Yeah, this was my exit moment. What's yours going to be? It's one thing for someone to tell you, "get out" but don't offer any kind of help/support to you. Those words of advice become meaningless in your ears. They may think they're helping, but in actuality, they're not. If you're going to advice someone to leave a situation that they've known most of their lives, you have to offer more than just words. You need to hold out your hand, wait for them to grab your hands, then pull them out. This means, offering them a place to go to, a safe haven where they can't be reached by those harming or wanting to harm them.
You can't control what other people do to you. You can accept their mistreatment of you for so long, then you have to react. No matter how beat down you feel, you have to fight...you may lose every time, just don't stop fighting. And please, don't fight for stupid things. There are things worth fighting for, and there are things that are not worth fighting for. You know the difference. Don't keep going back and forth with the next party over stupid stuff, that's just a way for them to keep controlling you. Once you stop responding to them, cutting them out of your daily life, you get peace of mind.
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